Death Eater Meeting
by thepm
Summary: What happens in a Death Eater Meeting? And what is Snape doing there? And WHY is Voldemort called the ULTIMATE EVIL when he has a serious penchant for cookies? Read and find out!
1. Default Chapter

Name: The Death Eater Meeting  
  
Author: Moi, Ajay, The PM  
  
Email: thepotionsmistress@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Genre: Humour  
  
Pairings: None  
  
Summary: Snape decides to go to a meeting held by Voldemort. What a big mistake! Hehehe, this is just a random crazy fic where nobody acts like they should. It's all very out of character! This is part one! More to come!  
  
Spoilers: Yes  
  
Disclaimer: All belong to the goddess herself JKR. I wish Snape belonged to me hr /  
  
Severus Snape walked into the room. The room held a simple round table with 10 chairs around it. One of these chairs, Snape noticed was significantly larger and more impressive than the others. To the left of the room there was a large nude statue of the celebrated wizard Albus Dumbledore, to the right a large and mysterious floating ball of evil fire, or so the label underneath it read. Somehow it didn't give off that evil feel. Snape figured the fire shouldn't have been pink and yellow. Snape adjusted his mask to cover his pale face and sat down opposite the large impressive chair. Snape found that somebody was already present at the table.  
  
"Hello Lucius" Snape said to the figure wearing an identical mask.  
  
"Damn. How did you know it was me?" Lucius replied.  
  
"Ummm... you're the only person I know who carries a pimp stick around with them"  
  
"Excuse me? This is not a pimp stick! This is a fourteenth century goblin wrought silver snake cane handed down the Malfoy family for generations. This is a family heirloom." He said rather matter of factly.  
  
"Oh... of course" Snape said, his voice rich with sarcasm. Lucius gave Snape one of those 'evil' looks so typical of semi-villain characters. As they exchanged 'evil' looks, (Lucius coming a close second, for nothing could beat the oh-my-god-I'm-shitting-my-pants-stare that Snape gave him) a newcomer walked in the door, tripped over the hem of their long cloak and proceeded to walk to the table where the other two were.  
  
"Wormtail?!!! What? Why, who else is coming?" Snape said rolling his eyes as this Wormtail took his seat opposite Snape in the big impressive chair.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe some of the old crew" Lucius said, gently stroking his precious 'fourteenth century goblin wrought silver snake cane that had been handed down the Malfoy family for generations.  
  
"Oooh!" exclaimed Wormtail. "So James, Remus and Sirius are coming!? I hope they'll be here soon"  
  
"Wormtail" started Snape. This is a meeting with the Ultimate Evil. He who must not be named."  
  
"Who?" Wormtail asked his voice sounding ultra confused.  
  
"He Who Must Not Be Named"  
  
"Yea, and who is he?"  
  
"He Who Must Not Be Named!"  
  
"Why can't he be named?" Wormtail whined. Lucius and Snape gave each other exasperated looks. Then Snape realised that it was a valid question.  
  
"Because He Who Must Not Be Named hasn't told us his name yet."  
  
"Oh." Said Wormtail. "So what is this meeting about?"  
  
"This is a meeting of a few people who will aid He Who Must Not Be Named in the task of taking over the entire Wizarding world with brute strength, sneakiness, lies, deception, panic and general calamity. Oh also involved will be (Snape pulls a leaflet entitled So you want to join He Who Must Not Be Named?) and reads the list. "Muggle hunting, Muggle torture, Muggle Mundaneness, Muggle Madness, Muggle Mean-ness, Muggle m.... Oh look now this is just being ridiculous, Muggle Manicures? You'd think that He Who Must Not Be Named just picked up a dictionary and put all the M words in the dictionary after the word Muggle?" Snape scanned down the page. "Oh yes, Muggle Menagerie, Muggle Moonwalk." Snape screwed the pamphlet into a small ball and threw it into the ball of 'evil' pink and yellow fire. "What a waste of time" he spat.  
  
"Hey why did I not get one of those?" Wormtail asked a look of hurt on his mousey face.  
  
"Somehow Wormtail, I don't even think you should even be here" Lucius replied.  
  
"Why not?" Wormtail demanded on the verge of tears. "I can torture muggles!" Wormtail declared, pulling his wand out of his pocket and pointing it at Snape and Lucius.  
  
"Uh, Wormtail" Lucius said. "Put your wand down. We aren't muggles"  
  
"Oh..." Wormtail put his wand back in his pocket. "Yea, I forgot."  
  
-----------  
  
Just then a dozen or so wizards swept into the room followed by a very impressive looking wizard dressed in black robes. They all took their places at the round table.  
  
"Crucio" the impressive wizard who we can be assured is He Who Must Not Be Named shouted, pointing at the unfortunate being sitting in the impressive chair. Wormtail, the unfortunate soul screamed in pain like a little girl.  
  
"Get out of my chair" He Who Must Not Be Named commanded, as Wormtail slumped to the ground. "Idiot," He Who Must Not Be Named muttered and sat down on the chair, the Big Daddy chair as it liked to be called. The being looked around at his followers and spoke to them in a high pitched evil voice.  
  
"Welcome to my evil lair" it said, unveiling its hood to reveal its ugly pale face and red snake-like eyes.  
  
"Ewwww.... It's hideous!" one of the wizards cried in alarm.  
  
"Avada Kedavra" Shouted a woman's voice, from the person sitting on the right of He Who Must Not Be Named. The offending wizard fell over dead. The witch smiled. Or we can assume she smiled, but I can't back that up for sure. After all she is wearing a mask :p  
  
"Bellatrix" He Who Must Not Be Named said with a sigh. "Do you think that was necessary? Ok yea, Nagini, just drag Regulus into the corner, yes ah..... isn't that tasty.... ooh starting with the leg? Aha... yes....ew.... ok don't look now people... ok that's nasty... ouch that IS tender.... ok lets just all turn away now" The attention turned away from the large snake devouring Regulus Black and found its way back onto He Who Must Not Be Named.  
  
"Right. Continuing" He Who Must Not Be Named looked down at his leather planner book in front of him.  
  
"Ok, we have (he squinted so he could read the scrawled red writing) General Housekeeping. He looked up at the nine other people staring back at him. He heard a noise whimpering at his feet. He Who Must Not Be Named rolled his eyes.  
  
"Wormtail, what are you doing down there?"  
  
"There are no chairs left, Sir" Wormtail sobbed.  
  
"Crucio!" Bellatrix cried, her wand pointing at Wormtail. With a wave of He Who Must Not Be Named's wand, the curse stopped and Wormtail stopped gigging around in pain, his howls sounding very much like a new born baby's.  
  
"Bellatrix! What did I tell you about Wand overuse?"  
  
shook his head. "Next time I'm confiscating it" Bellatrix sulked in her chair and looked at Wormtail with utmost loathing.  
  
"Ok so, General Housekeeping... oh yes NOW WHAT?" He Who Must Not Be Named moaned as Snape raised his hand.  
  
"So what do we call you? He Who Must Not Be Named is a bit long winded Master. (And Ajay just can't be bothered typing it over and over again :p). Snape said that last part looking directly at Bellatrix.  
  
"Aha! That's the third thing on the list! But I suppose we can do that now." He Who Must Not Be Named said, brandishing his red quill and crossing off Unveil Name from his list of things to do.  
  
"My name will be feared. Everyone will be too afraid to say it. It will strike fear in the hearts of EVERYBODY!" He Who Must Not Be Named rose to his feet. "From this day on you shall all refer to me as... LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!" Silence. More Silence. Even More Silence.  
  
"Well?" said Lord Voldemort. Snape looked at Lord Voldemort. Being the skilled occulmens he was, Lord Voldemort did not know that Snape was laughing hysterically at that rather pathetic excuse for a name.  
  
"Uh" began Snape "That name is still a bit long. Do you have a shorter one?"  
  
"FEAR ME! I am the Dark Lord" the Dark Lord shouted. Snape gave the Dark Lord another characteristic Snapey look. Snape wondered to himself 'Oh god why am I here?'  
  
"Ok fine. Just call me Voldie then if 3 syllables are just too hard for you to say Mr-I-need-an-abbreviated-short-name. Throw me a freaking bone here." He looked at the group before him. "Ok, does anybody else have any name problems? Oh good, moving along then" he said, turning to the next page in the handsome leather planner book.  
  
"Right, now I, me being the head of this evil cabinet, I have official NAMING RIGHTS to name our group. After going through many possibilities (he scanned the small list of could-be names like Evil-Doers, The Group Of Wizards That Are Really Really Evil, Evil United and Microsoft) I have come up with the perfect name!" Voldie said with a laugh in his cold voice.  
  
"Oh really?" a wizard named Rosier asked.  
  
"Crucio!" shouted Bellatrix, standing up and making Rosier jerk like a puppet on a string.  
  
"BELLATRIX! What did I tell you?" Voldie sighed, reaching his hand out to her. "Give the wand to me!"  
  
"But...M-master... he was being disrespectable!" Bellatrix protested, handing Voldie her precious wand.  
  
"Ok, getting back on task. I have the perfect evil name."  
  
"Really Master? And what will we be called?" Lucius asked Voldie.  
  
"We, bound by Evil and lots of other Bad Stuff will be collectively known as....The DEATH EATERS!!!" At this revelation, the pink and yellow floating 'evil' fire started emitting purple sparks and Snape swore that he saw the statue of Albus Dumbledore wink.  
  
"The What?" Many of them cried back.  
  
"Geez guys have you got hearing problems or something? We will be called the Death Eaters!" Voldie explained.  
  
"Oh no, that means we're ALL gonna DIE!!! Death is going to come and EAT US ALL!" The unidentified wizard stood up and ran away in a frenzy. "Oh no, don't run there.... lookout!" Voldie cried as the wizard ran straight into the pink and yellow 'evil' fire.  
  
"We're gonna be eaten! Arrrrrh!" the wizard cried as the pink and yellow flames devoured his body. Many of the spectators decided to look the other way.  
  
"Oh well, one less person who gets a special gift. By the way Wormtail, there go and take that seat that that wizard has nicely vacated. Oh and while you're at it, please hand one of these to each person" Voldie handed Wormtail a stack of plastic sticker thingys emblazed with a skull and snake motif.  
  
"What are these Master?" a voice came from under the mask of an unnamed wizard.  
  
"These are tattoos. Put them on your left arms."  
  
None of the wizards moved, not even Mrs I-obey-everything-that-the-Dark- Lord-says Lestrange.  
  
"What is your problem now people? Can you not follow orders?" Voldie sighed at them, who were still looking at him in wonder.  
  
"These things aren't tattoos. They're stickers" Snape said VERY apprehensively.  
  
"The ARE tattoos! But...aha...well...they're temporary. Um.... I kinda ran low on the funding. I mean I had to find a way to pay for this lovely chair." Voldemort stroked Big Daddy, the impressive chair. "When we raise the required funds we can get fancy permanent tattoos, does that make you happy Sevvie?" Snape narrowed his eyes at Voldemort while the Death Eaters chuckled at Snape's misfortune – he hated being called Sevvie. Reminded him of his old childhood nanny. Wretched woman.  
  
"As you wish... Master" Snape said through gritted teeth as he and the rest of the Death Eaters stuck their temporary Dark Marks to their left arms. Voldemort smiled at them. Then he consulted his leather planning book, reading through his notes.  
  
"Yes... general housekeeping that's done, ok, told them the name, aha now what's next?" he muttered, searching the page with a pale bony finger. "Aha, now we move onto Task Assigning" He looked around at his group of loyal followers. "Who wants a job?" he asked them.  
  
"Oh me!!! Choose ME!!! Master, please choooooose mmmeeee!!!" Wormtail cried, waving his arm around about in the air.  
  
"Anybody?" Voldemort asked again.  
  
"Oh come on!!! Master, me! Me I want a job!!!" Wormtail shouted, jumping off his chair. Many would say that he looked as if he was trying to soil his pants.  
  
"Anybody else?" Voldemort repeated, ignoring Wormtail. Everybody else sat quietly trying to mix in with the walls, the ceiling, anywhere the Dark Lord wasn't.  
  
"Fine Wormtail, you can uh... feed Nagini" he said, pointing at the pile of bones in the corner where Nagini was licking up a puddle of red liquid formerly belonging to Regulus Black.  
  
"Oh well... anything for you Master" Wormtail said lamely. "Where's the food?" Voldemort smiled evilly. "Uh you're the food!" He cackled long and loud which signalled everybody else to laugh along with him. Voldemort cackled and laughed until he could physically not laugh any longer. Finally after Voldie had finished his evil cackling they sat in silence, waiting for Voldemort to say something.  
  
"Ok, it is evident that I must take over delegation since none of you seem very eager. So for the post of Secretary – hmmm eeny meeny miney Mo! Ok, Avery, you're secretary." Voldemort said, pointing to a tall wizard that was falling asleep, his head lolling off his shoulders.  
  
"Wha??? Whaddidi miss?" he said sleepily, stretching out in a yawn.  
  
"You're Secretary" Snape said with a smirk on his face.  
  
"Right Severus, I saw that smirk, so you get to be-"  
  
"Wait a minute!" Snape interrupted. "I'm wearing a mask. How could you see my face?"  
  
"That doesn't matter" Voldie said smugly. "Ok? So you get to be Treasurer."  
  
"Aww Master! Can't I be the Treasurer?" Lucius begged – well demanded more like. Lucius Malfoy didn't beg.  
  
"Sheesh fine ok, Lucius you can be Treasurer"  
  
"Excellent" Lucius whispered with a wicked grin on his face.  
  
"Ok now. I'll get you two, yes that is you Crabbe and Goyle (points at the two largest gooniest members present) to be in charge of the Brute Strength Persuasion. Aha.... and you, yes you MacNair, you keep your ministry job killing innocent creatures. Barty Jr, you can be in charge of Sabotage. Everybody else, work on recruiting more members!"  
  
"Now, moving on to the next thing on the agenda and... yes WHAT NOW Severus?" Voldemort said snarkily, getting a bit annoyed at all these interruptions.  
  
"Now why do we have to wear cloaks and masks if you're gonna bloody call us by our names? Now we aren't anonymous" Snape pointed out. Voldemort gave a small smile.  
  
"Oops! Hehe, I forgot about that aye.." Voldie admitted, smacking his hand with his hand. "Nothing I can do about that now. While we're at it, I might as well ask, does anybody else have any questions?" A few people raised their hands.  
  
"Dammit." Voldemort cursed. "Ok yea, Nott what's up?"  
  
"Why is there a NAKED statue of Albus Dumbledore here?"  
  
"Oh. Hehe. Well that's there for practise." Smiled Voldemort. Snape, Lucius, Nott and everyone else ran for the door, absolutely disgusted at Voldemort.  
  
"No no no not THAT kind of practise" he shook his head and pointed his wand at the statue.  
  
"Crucio" he said and the statue of Dumbledore began to scream in pain. Bellatrix's eyes lit up like a blinking Christmas tree.  
  
"I see" Nott said. "But why isn't he wearing clothes?" Voldemort looked at them all sheepishly. "Um well, after buying the Big Daddy chair and the tattoos-" "You mean stickers" Snape interrupted. "They're NOT stickers! But anyways, after that there was just not enough money to buy clothes for the statue. Cuts had to be made you see. What?" he protested, looking at the looks on the Death Eaters' faces. "it's not like I wanted him to be naked. Besides... oh look, forget it I'm not going to bother explaining. Yes you had a question Bellatrix?"  
  
"Can I have my wand back please Master?" she asked.  
  
"Oh. Ok then." Voldemort handed Bellatrix her wand back.  
  
"CRUCIO!" she cried hitting Naked Dumbledore right in the nads. Many of the wizards, Voldemort included cringed. The statue cried out in pain. "STUPEFY! REDUCTO! IMPEDIMENTA!" she shouted at the statue, sending various hexes at it. Voldemort merely raised an eye.  
  
"Ok" he whispered. "Let's just let Bellatrix do her thing. Next on the agenda... Fundraising . Anybody got any creative ideas? Ok Lucuis, yes what is your idea?"  
  
"Why don't we just steal it?"  
  
"Because... because Lucius, stealing is wrong. I have a better idea. How about we kill muggles and take their money?" Voldemort suggested.  
  
"Oh yes because killing ISN'T wrong" Snape said sarcastically. Voldemort gave him a dirty look.  
  
"Master? How about we just get some collectors to walk around Diagon Alley begging for money. Like you know, how muggles do sometimes for charity?" Avery suggested meekly.  
  
"Ooh yes! And we can have little buckets with our logo on them! Lucius, how much do we have in the bank so we can buy these buckets." The Dark Lord asked. Lucius peered at the financial records.  
  
"According to this... we have.... fifteen knuts" said Lucius, giving Voldemort an accusing look.  
  
"What is that look for? I did NOT take the kitty money!" he defended himself. "Expenses merely ran out of hand"  
  
"Um... what about Big Daddy?" Snape questioned.  
  
"Yea, as I said expenses ran out of hand!" Voldemort said guiltily. Snape threw Voldie a dirty look.  
  
"Look" Voldemort sighed. "That's all I have on the agenda. Next meeting –I'll cal you guys. Buy Muggle phones. Feel free to bring some friends along next time. Tell them there will be free milk and cookies, yay for bribery. Suck them in with goodies. Thanks for coming! Oh, and here are some pamphlets on Being a Death Eater you might want to read. See you guys next meeting. Oh and Bellatrix, you can stop torturing Dumbledore now" Bellatrix looked at Voldie, lowered her wand smiled at him and left with everybody who were leaving. Snape was the last one to leave.  
  
"That was a really good turnout" Voldemort nodded, conjuring up a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.  
  
"Hmmm" Snape grunted, turning to leave.  
  
"Would you like some cookies Severus?" Voldie mumbled, crumbs falling out of his mouth. Snape rolled his eyes and left the room without replying.  
  
"Don't forget about the next meeting! Bye" The Dark Lord called from the other room.  
  
Snape realised that he had no idea what he had gotten himself into. 


	2. Meeting Number 2

Thanks for the lovely people who reviewed! Here is more Death Eater Insanity!!! 

  
  
Severus Snape fell onto his king sized bed fully robed, exhausted and ready to just fall asleep. He yawned, pulled on his grey nightshirt and settled into his already warm bed. He pulled the covers over himself and shut his tired eyes.  
  
"BRRING BRRRRING!!!" a phone on the other side of the room rang.  
  
"Hmmmmmm" Snape mumbled, ignoring the ringing annoying telephone.  
  
"BRRRRRRRRRRING BRRRRRRRRRRING"  
  
"Go away!!!" Snape moaned, covering his ears with a few pillows.  
  
"BBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRING BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRING BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the phone rang, obviously paying no attention to Snape.  
  
"FINE FINE! I'm UP! Are you happy telephone? Insufferable stupid Muggle gadget" Snape muttered, cursing Voldemort for telling every Death Eater to get a damned phone. He walked to the contraption and silenced it by picking it up and holding it against his head.  
  
"WHAT?" Snape said in a cold tired irritated voice.  
  
"Sevvie! Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time" the evil voice on the other end said cheerfully.  
  
"No....not at all Voldie" Snape said. He had a great urge to throw the phone at the wall and tell Voldemort to go and screw himself.  
  
"Listen, about the next meeting. It's tomorrow at 1pm. Can you make it?" Voldemort's cold voice asked.  
  
"Actually I'm teaching sorry" Said a relived Snape.  
  
"Oh" Voldemort said. "We'd better change the time then. I'll ring back later. Peace Out!" Snape hung up the phone and went back to bed. He waited for five minutes for Voldemort to call back. Five minutes later and there was no peep out of the telephone. He waited another five minutes. Nothing. He waited another twenty minutes. Not a noise out of the ringing annoying machine. Snape thought bugger it and fell to sleep. 

  
  
Two hours later, the phone rang again.  
  
"Brrrrring brrring"  
  
Snape stirred.  
  
"Brrrring brrrring brrrring brrrring"  
  
Snape rolled over.  
  
"BRRRRING BRRRRING BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!"  
  
Snape opened one eye and saw the stupid phone. He reached down into his pocket and grabbed out his wand.  
  
"Silencio" he mumbled pointing his wand at the phone. The noise stopped abruptly. Satisfied at the silence, he fell to sleep again, feeling as if he, Severus Snape had the upper hand against the mighty Dark Lord.  
  
And yet a few hours after that there was a knock at the door.  
  
"KNOCK BANG KNOCK BANG"  
  
Snape woke with a start as a horrible banging noise sounded through his room.  
  
"Lumos" Snape whispered and a light ignited the end of his wand. He realised the knocking was coming from the door. He had a visitor! Snape sighed, got up and opened the door dressed still in his nightshirt. He was met by a mysterious cloaked figure.  
  
"Hey! Sevvie!" the cloaked figure with a high pitched voice said, stepping into Snape's dwelling.  
  
"Your phone is not working Severus." Snape's face tried to keep his face impassive but he couldn't resist giving Voldemort one of his signature sneers.  
  
"I bought you some cookies" Voldemort said, handing Snape a batch of home baked chocolate chip cookies. "I made them myself."  
  
"Uh thanks Voldemort" Snape said, taking the cookies from his guest. When Voldemort turned away, Snape threw them into a cauldron that was destined for the 'destroy' spell. He did not eat wholesome food like cookies, especially since they were made by the Dark Lord himself. Snape didn't think that Voldemort could be trusted.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Snape asked, stifling a yawn.  
  
"Since I kept getting your answer phone and I don't believe in trusting answering machines with important information, I came to tell you in person that the meeting has been shifted to tomorrow at 11pm. Somebody brought it to my attention that our meetings should be held at night so that we look Dark and Mysterious and Evil." Snape nodded and let out a giant yawn that he couldn't contain. Voldemort noticed the giant yawn.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" Voldemort asked. "By the way that is a really nice nightshirt"  
  
"Um Voldie? It's three in the morning." Snape stated, in disbelief. The Dark Lord glanced at his watch.  
  
"Oh Hehe.... lost track of time. I'm so inconsiderate. Ok, better get going. Bye Severus" In a poof, Voldemort had gone. Snape slammed the door as fast as he could and jumped back into bed. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. After a while he gave up. He was wide awake.  
  
"DAMN YOU VOLDEMORT!!' Snape screamed to the empty room. He grabbed his wand and destroyed that blinking telephone imagining it was the Dark Lord. He felt considerably better after that.  
  
Severus Snape walked into the room. He was shocked to see that although he had tried his hardest to arrive late, he was in fact one of the first members to arrive.  
  
"Why do I always get here early?" Snape spat to Wormtail who had stupidly decided to sit in Big Daddy again.  
  
"I dunno" he answered pensively. Snape sat in one of the less impressive chairs and sulked. He sulked frowned and narrowed his eyes at various people who arrived in their indistinguishable makes and robes, none of them Voldemort. Two hours passed and as Snape started to think of leaving (and stealing the pink and yellow 'evil' fire DID cross his mind) who should waltz into the room with an armful of cookies and a few cartons of milk.  
  
"Ah look, I'm just on time. Phew" mumbled Voldemort as he dropped the cookies and milk onto the table and headed to Big Daddy, his precious chair.  
  
"Crucio" Voldemort cried, aiming his wand at Wormtail.  
  
"What did I tell you Wormtail? DON'T sit in my Big Daddy!" he said as Wormtail cried out in pain.  
  
"I hope you've learned your lesson" Voldemort said, sitting (or sinking) into the soft folds of the luxurious Bid Daddy. Wormtail struggled to get up and when he finally did, he realised he was left without a chair. Again. Funnily enough, the thought of conjuring a chair never popped into Wormtail's extremely small brain. So Wormtail sat at the Dark Lord's feet like a faithful little puppy dog.  
  
"I'm glad you all have come back again" Voldemort started, opening up the cookies and handing them round. "See I do keep my promises, here we are free cookies for everyone. Welcome to all the new members!" Snape looked around and saw that there were no new members at all. The Death Eaters had hopelessly failed at recruiting new members but as if anybody had the breath to tell the Dark Lord that. Good job Snape thought spitefully that will teach you for showing up TWO HOURS LATE!!!!!!!!] He stared at Voldie with an evil look on his face.  
  
"Severus, why are you looking at me evilly?" Voldemort asked a bit of hurt in his voice.  
  
"You're late Master" Snape said, clenching his fists together. Snape had missed his favourite soap opera (coughcoughporncoughcough) to come. It took him a lot of self control to stop him from hexing the Dark Lord into Kingdom Come.  
  
"I got here just on time" Voldemort protested, opening his planner book and reading out his notes "See Snape, it says here Death Eater Meeting at... oh... um... 11pm. Why did I think it was at 1am?"  
  
"The old time was at 1pm Master" Nott spoke aloud.  
  
"Ooops. My bad. Anyway, never mind. Sorry, I'll take you all out for a game of bowling to make up for my tardiness, is that ok?" Snape at that moment wanted to curse Voldemort into oblivion.  
  
"Ok, the meeting will begin at (checks watch) 1:07am. Avery, I hope you're writing this all down, I'm sure you'll make a great secretary."  
  
"Yes Master" said Avery, trying to fight the temptation of sleep.  
  
"So how did member recruiting go?" asked Voldemort.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Anybody get any new members?"  
  
Silence. Voldemort gave an impatient huff.  
  
"Ok, NO NEW MEMBERS?? That makes me angry. And when the Dark Lord gets angry, Nagini gets upset." Nagini gave a little hiss. "And when Nagini gets upset, people DIE!!!!" Voldemort slashed his wand at less important Death Eaters.  
  
"Avada Kedavra! WHY MUST I BE SURROUNDED BY FREAKING IDIOTS?" Voldemort cried as the Death Eaters quivered in fright. Well all the Death Eaters except Snape. Snape gave a bored yawn.  
  
"Ok then, whoever can bring a new member along next time, the newbie can come bowling with us and I'll pay for their shoe hire too. I must stress this to you men (Bellatrix gave a small cough). Ok and women (Bellatrix gave another small cough) ok fine WOMAN (Bellatrix smiled in satisfaction). Men and WOMAN, we need more members! Ok, now I have a brilliant way of getting our name out there. We are going to make POSTERS!" Voldemort waved his wand around and instantly large sheets of card, coloured quills, glitter and stencils appeared on the table.  
  
"We are making POSTERS?" Snape said scratching his head. He was still wishing he hadn't come. He could've spent his time so much more efficiently. Sleeping would've been nice. Or maybe he could've marked some unfortunate Gryffindor potions papers.  
  
"So everybody let the creative juices flow!" And again nobody moved. Voldemort was the first to pick up a big piece of paper and a black quill and began drawing. Everybody else followed suit reluctantly. Snape did not think that this was a very evil activity. He shook his head and rolled his eyes before grabbing himself a bit of paper and a quill.  
  
It was very amusing to see a dozen or so wizards (and witch) painting and drawing like small kindergarten children. The biggest child had to be Voldemort, the Dark Lord himself who had somehow gotten coloured ink all over his hands. One hand held a cookie and a green quill was in the other. Also interesting to note he had a milk moustache. After about twenty minutes of creative flow, Voldemort stood and cleared his throat.  
  
"Ok, now each of you should've finished your posters. Now we are going to have a gallery. Hang your posters up on the wall over there. "Voldie pointed at the wall on the 'Dumbledore' side of the room. Each death eater placed their poster on the wall. As Bellatrix passed the naked Dumbledore statue, she could not resist but throw a curse at it. Everybody rolled their eyes towards the ceiling. After Wormtail had stuck his poster on the wall (it had taken quite a while – he had [i]forgotten[/i] the sticking spell incantation and had instead doused his poster with water) Voldemort stood back to admire the works of art.  
  
"Wow Avery, you prove to be quite the artist... um Goyle.... nice effort. Whoa! Bellatrix, this is some piece, lots of anger and rage and destruction, very nice. Lucius... who did you pay to do this?"  
  
"Nobody" Lucius lied "I did it myself" Actually he had paid Avery to do his.  
  
"Lies ALL LIES!!!!.... oh well done Avery, it is really effective." Voldemort walked down the posters. He came to stand in front of one particular poster. It was merely a piece of paper with 'Join the Death Eaters' written in miniscule spidery writing in the top left hand corner. The rest of the page had been left blank.  
  
"Uh Severus, did you run out of time?" Voldie asked Snape pointing at the poor poster. Snape stifled a laugh.  
  
"Yes Master" said Snape, trying not to laugh. Designing posters was NOT a thing that Severus Snape did, and besides Snape thought it was a big waste of time.  
  
"Ok now those are done. Post them around everywhere, Knockturn Alley, Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley even. Advertising is the key. Right next thing on the agenda, since our main focus at the moment is Recruiting members, I will leave less important details till later meetings. This meeting I shall go through our focus." Voldemort rummaged through a pile of paper in his handsome planner and pulled out a black piece of paper with green script on it.  
  
"Ah... here we go" Voldemort read the green script on the black piece of paper:" The Death Eaters will aid me, Voldemort, The Dark Lord, in taking over the Wizarding world and making it perfect! No Mudbloods! Anybody with a problem with this leave now. Bellatrix will help you in that department won't you sweetie" Bellatrix fingered her wand lovingly.  
  
"Bellatrix please demonstrate" Voldemort said, gesturing at the naked Dumbledore statue.  
  
"AVADA KEDAVRA" Bellatrix roared, pointing her wand at Dumbledore. The statue was enrobed with an eerie green glow before falling to the ground still intact. Another slash of her wand and the statue was back to normal.  
  
"So, anyone want to leave? Nobody? Ok that's great. Next aim – purification of the Wizarding race. We are ALL going to be CLEAN! No exceptions. Wormtail, you better work on that one, your personal hygiene is shocking" And indeed there was a distinct gap between Wormtail and his fellow Death Eaters. Nobody could stand his smell.  
  
"On top of this, we will be getting rid of all Mudbloods"  
  
"Why" asked Snape.  
  
"Because, well..........um...... because that's what it says here in the planner. Are you questioning me?" Voldemort asked dangerously.  
  
"Of course not Voldemort" Snape replied smoothly.  
  
"Carrying on. Any Mudbloods here?"  
  
Like anyone would volunteer that information Snape thought as nobody said anything.  
  
"That's wonderful! Next thing, who likes Muggle torturing?" Everybody raised their hands. Lucius in particular had an excited look on his face that matched the look Bellatrix gave when she was cursing somebody or something.  
  
Voldemort gets stupider by the minute thought Snape  
  
"Wonderful! We'll make a trip out of it. Wonderful. Brilliant Fantastic" Voldemort clapped his hands together in excitement.  
  
"So everyone understands that we don't like muggles, and we don't like Mudbloods. These are our main goals. Also people don't be afraid to have fun. I hope we can become a really close knit family unit. Ok does anybody have any concerns or questions?"  
  
When does this meeting end? thought Snape tapping his long fingers on the table impatiently.  
  
"Ok, no queries? Well thank you for coming. Please take your poster with you when you leave and hang it somewhere important where LOTS of people will see it. And Wormtail, please ask Bellatrix to get your poster down for you, I don't' think you will be able to cope with the unsticking charm." The Death Eaters each claimed their posters and made way for the door.  
  
"See you next Saturday, we're going bowling. Meet at the alley at 6pm. Don't forget, we need members. You may go now." Voldemort said, picking up a batch of cookies and handing them to people.  
  
Snape couldn't have run away faster. He had gone before Voldie had gotten the opportunity to pawn more cookies on him.   
  
Meeting number three coming soon..... Bwahahahaha :lol  
  
Ajay 


	3. And the Death Eaters go bowling

And finally here is the first part of Meeting 3! Enjoy! And thanks to all those wonderful, wonderful people who have reviewed. :) I just saw POA today, and damn I want to see it again!!!!!! :D It was wonderful!!!

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Severus Snape entered the Death Eater meeting room for the third time that week and he was met with an unusual sight. A dozen or so wizards (and for Bellatrix's sake) and one witch were already sitting at the table, Voldemort himself included. Snape gasped in horror at his fellow Death Eaters who were wearing identical shirts. Now of course Snape was used to wearing the same clothes as his fellow Death Eaters but even so these shirts took the cake. The shirts were pale pink and when Snape had a closer look her could see each persons name embroidered above their left breast pocket.  
  
'Now this is Ri-goddamned-diculous' Snape snickered 'there is NO WAY in HELL Voldemort is squeezing ME into one of those hideous pink shirts'  
  
"Hey Sevvie" Voldemort said in his usual high pitched evil yet somehow cheerful voice. "Oh and here this is for you" He threw Snape a package wrapped in plain brown paper. Snape opened the package suspiciously and with a sinking heart pulled out his very own pale pink bowling shirt. Snape stood there for a while dumbfounded just staring at it. It even had his name on it! Sevvie was written on the left breast pocket in black script just like everyone else's.  
  
"Thank you Voldie" Snape said through gritted teeth. He gave Voldemort a horrible forced smile and tucked the offending pink shirt into one of the many hidden pockets in his robes.  
  
"Put it on Sevvie, see if it fits you. It was rather unfortunate that I got some of the sizes mixed up" And indeed Snape could see that Crabbe had ended up with a shirt that looked at least three sizes too small for him.  
  
"Come on Severus, we really don't have all day, we are going there at 6pm on the dot. I don't like being late." Snape threw Voldemort a very dirty look.  
  
"What?!! I apologised for last time. Geez you do hold grudges . Ok I'll say it again because it means sooo much to you. I, Tom Marvolo Riddle as known as Lord Voldemort, am very sorry that I was late for the last meeting. Are you happy now Snape?" Many of the Death Eaters had started laughing at Voldemort's sudden outburst.  
  
"You're.... name... is TOM?!" cried one wizard between fits of laughter.  
  
"Marvolo? What sorta name is that?" Voldemort sighed and looked at Bellatrix.  
  
"Bellatrix, if you please?" Voldemort gestured to some of the laughing Death Eaters. Bellatrix smiled wickedly and pointed her wand at them.  
  
"Avad-  
  
"NO!" Voldemort cried, waving his hands in front of Bellatrix. Bellatrix gave a small pout and tried again.  
  
"The other one Bellatrix" Voldemort gave Bellatrix a stern look.  
  
"Crucio!" she commanded and the two wizards were knocked from their chairs onto the ground. The rolled around in pain and the evil glint in Bellatrix's eyes seemed to have had erupted from a small bushfire into a raging inferno. Voldemort himself smiled too.  
  
"Oh ok.... yes... Bellatrix... ok now that's enough torturing for one night. Put the wand away now before you take someone's eye out." Bellatrix reluctantly obeyed, tucking her wand into the pocket of her own pink shirt. Some of the other Death Eaters were giving Bellatrix's husband Rodolphus some 'interesting' looks. Lucius in particular gave him one of those 'oh my goodness your wife is mental' glares. Rodolphus Lestrange flushed red and the colour of his face clashed horribly with his pink shirt.  
  
"Anyways" continued Voldemort, "What's so funny about my name?" Nobody had the guts to say anything. Indeed the cruciod wizards had gone oddly silent and were wearing pained expressions on their faces.  
  
"Tom Marvolo Riddle has an... erm... nice ring to it" said Avery who this time had made an effort to write down the minutes of this meeting.  
  
"Why thank you Avery." Voldemort said pleased with himself. "Oh what the HELL am I saying? It was my filthy muggle father's name! It's a horrible name! Don't you guys think Lord Voldemort is much more intimidating?"  
  
"Sure Mr Flight of Death, if it rings your bell" Snape said rolling his eyes.  
  
"Severus, where is your shirt? I told you to put it on! Do you dare disobey me?" Voldemort asked with flashing eyes.  
  
"Master.... of course not" Snape said slowly giving Voldemort a jerky little bow. He cringed as his hands felt into his robes and touched the offending item of clothing. Painfully slowly Snape pulled his cloak off and even slowylier (which isn't a word) pushed his arms through the shirt. A sour look appeared on his face as his fingers quickly buttoned the buttons. He shuddered as he, Severus Snape, almighty Potions Master looked down at himself. He could see the name 'Sevvie' embroidered on his shirt and although he had a strong stomach he felt the urge to throw up his lunch, preferably in Voldemort's lap. It took a lot (oh and I mean A LOT) of self control not to go on a Bellatrix-ish hexing spree. He forced a horrible smile and sat back down quickly covering himself with his cloak. 'Why pink? Why BLOODY pink?' he thought to himself. He was in a good mind to ask but he knew that all that would come out of his mouth would be curses, hexes, charms and wickedly bad swearing. Hell, he probably would've pulled out a bottle of the ole arsenic too. But since he was a patient man and knew that he could get back at Voldemort in better ways he didn't speak. For the meantime, staring at Voldemort with the most evil look he could muster would satisfy him. Snape narrowed his eyes and made his mouth even thinner and Voldie must've sensed the evilness radiating off Snape because he decided to avoid Snape from that point on. (In actual fact Voldie was jealous because Snape was winning in the EVIL STARE SWEEPSTAKES. There was NO way that any other stare could beat the oh-my-god-I've-shit-my-pants stare that Snape had perfected after so many years.) Voldemort gave a nervous giggle as he happened to catch eyes with Snape.  
  
"Anyways, carrying on. You may be wondering about our bowling shirts-  
  
"Master, they're BRIGHT PINK!" cried Lucius giving Lord Voldemort the raised eyebrow.  
  
"Lucius, fine distinctions! They are not BRIGHT pink. They are pale pink!" Voldemort said.  
  
"But they're hideous!: Lucius said, particularly looking at Crabbe and his three sizes too small shirt.  
  
"What are you talking about, they're lovely!" Voldemort said with a very fake smile. Well truth be told, Lucius Malfoy actually looked rather handsome in his shirt. (Is there anything that wouldn't suit the sexy beast?) But essentially, Lucius was telling the truth none of the other Death Eaters had that wonderful ability of looking good in pale pink.  
  
"Ok FINE! I CONFESS! When I ordered the shirts I wanted them to be black with our names written in Glowing Green. But I had been baking a batch of cookies at the same time I was filling out the order form and I uh... I uh... ticked the wrong box. I ticked pink instead of black." Voldemort's usually lily white face was bright red, I could go as far to say he was Weasely red. Snape and everybody stared at 'Voddlemort' in disgust.  
  
'IDIOT! VOLDEMORT IS A BLOODY IDIOT! What on EARTH am I DOING?' Snape thought as his eyes wandered away and came to rest on Naked Dumbledore. And for the second time Snape swore that it blinked at him, Dumbledore's eyes sparkling as if they weren't made of stone. 'I really should stop watching so much porn. It's driving me crazy.' Snape thought. 'Blinking statues... what next?'  
  
"So now everybody is here? Brilliant. Now I am glad to see that you guys managed to go on a recruiting spree. Welcome our new members." Voldemort pointed to the two wizards Bellatrix had the pleasure of cursing earlier that meeting.  
  
"Ok we are all here."  
  
"Master, why are we wearing these shirts?" Wormtail asked.  
  
"Wormtail, does nothing penetrate that thick skull of yours? We're going bowling" Voldemort said. Snape filed that statement away in a file in his mind that said Insults for Stupid Gryffindors. He knew that it might come in handy in years to come.  
  
"Oh." Wormtail answered stupidly. Voldemort continued.  
  
"Transportation will be here soon-  
  
"Master excuse me." Nott said. "But can't we apparate there?" Voldemort gave a wickedgrin.  
  
"Nope. I should tell you something that I should've told you a while ago" Snape's eyes narrowed even more (if physically possible). Even Lucius gripped onto his pimp stick a little harder.  
  
"Incognito fellows. We're going undercover"  
  
"WHAT?!?" Everybody yelled.  
  
"We're pretending to be Muggles."  
  
"WHAT???!!!?" Everybody yelled again. Every pureblood in the room turned up their noses. Voldemort smiled Demonic Smile Number Four.  
  
"Ah look our transportation is here. Come on lets go." Voldemort said excitedly, getting himself off Big Daddy and walking towards the door. The Death Eaters followed their master out of the meeting room. Snape gave one last look at the Dumbledor statue and swept out of the room, stark raving MAD and dressed in pink. Voldemort was really starting to get on his nerves. Snape had to make sure he whipped Voldie's ass at this bowling game.

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Stay tuned for more exciting Death Eater Adventures!!!! 


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